Dear Carolyn: I live five hours from my parents. They have gotten in the habit of telling me they are visiting, not asking, and not accepting reasons it is not a good time. I also typically get less than a week’s notice.
These visits are usually only a day or so, and due to my parents’ age and overall health, I cave. These visits are hard on me, especially with the cleaning and preparations. My spouse and I have stressful jobs and are raising young children. We are barely keeping it together, and I cannot even find a therapist who will take new patients right now. How do I put my foot down and tell my parents they cannot come when I am just racked with guilt?
— Anonymous
Anonymous: You just do it. “Please respect when I say ‘no’ to a visit.”
If you can offer a better date on the spot, then do it, or come back with one within 24 hours. I do not endorse their methods or boundary blindness, at all, but I wonder if they justify them because a “good time” never materialized.
Caving isn’t good, of course, but your reasons for caving are. Plus, the only sure way to stop your parents is to bar the door when they show up, which you don’t sound willing to do.
So other options include: saying you need X weeks’ notice; booking them a hotel; skipping the “preparations” and warning them of chaos accordingly. Presumably, they’re in this for you, not to see guest towels perfectly stacked.
Find your line, articulate it, hold it — kindly.
As you wait for a therapist, try “Lifeskills for Adult Children” by Woititz and Garner. It’s boundaries for beginners.
Dear Carolyn: My wife has dementia and has been in a facility for a few years. Her children visit rarely, and siblings and friends have never visited.
Because of this, I don’t see the point in having a funeral or memorial service upon her passing. Her children and siblings disagree. I am at a loss how to handle this.
— At a Loss
At a Loss: I am sorry, what a lonely journey. People forget visitation is as much for caregivers as the ailing.
But that’s no reason to sanction her people by withholding a service. If they would like to celebrate her life, then maybe it would be healing for you, too. And maybe the people who didn’t visit would be grateful to “show up” by planning these events, so you can focus on her care.
Ask the most vocal proponents of a service if they’d like to take the lead.
To: At a Loss: My mother-in-law recently passed away after several years of suffering from Parkinson’s and dementia. She rarely had visitors apart from her husband. My husband — her son — and I live far away and mainly communicated by phone or FaceTime.
Her funeral and memorial service were beautiful, attended by friends and family who, while they may not have visited her, all had lots of fond memories and stories to tell from before her dementia diagnosis. It ended up as a celebration of the life she had lived and the person she was apart from her illness.
If I were you, I would arrange a funeral and memorial service. Chances are, there are people for whom your wife has meant a lot, who would love to be able to say goodbye, even though it might have been years since they last met. Maybe that’s what your wife, pre-illness, would have liked, too?
— Northern Europe
Northern Europe: Lovely, thank you.
